Rosh Hashana 5782

Five thousand seven hundred eighty-three years. That is a lot of years, a lot of challahs, kugel, and blowing the shofar. 

I always wondered what the first Rosh Hashanah was like. Almost six thousand years ago, some Jews were fighting about their seats at the bonfire/barbecue, and the wise man said. 

There has to be a better way. Take twenty Jews and put them in a row, or, in this case, near a cave, and they will argue for years about who sits where. So let’s figure this out. 

Then a loud rumbling voice said. THIS IS THE FIRST DAY YOU MUST DO THE FOLLOWING. 

  1. Make challah: Now, at this time, there were no delis yet, no bakeries, and frankly, no bread. Just lambs, chickens, saber-tooth tigers, and such. So they had to figure out what a challah was. Someone said let’s grind some of those weeds over there, add water and hold them over a fire. After much trial and error, they developed bread. However, two Jews started arguing about how much bread they would give their families. As a result, the bread became twisted.  Hence, the first challah. It was a bit too overdone, but over the millennia, they perfected it.
  2. Then G-d said this is the first day, so we need sweet things. How about apples?  “There are many things that I, G-d created , but this is one of my faves until Eve ate it without asking first”. You know what happened then. So they cut apples and put them in the leaves they gathered ( there were no plates, of course), and it was good. Well, sort of. Some of the Jews said “you know these are pretty good G-d; however, they need something to dip into”. G-d, at this point, was getting impatient, so he said “okay, go over to that bee hive, take it off the tree and scoop out the insides”. The Jews were wary, and some of them said, “ really?  YOU WANT US TO Go over, get our tuchus stung just for some bee barf? A learned Jew explained that it is not bee barf,it is nectar. So the Jews listened as the learned Jew said it passed from one bee’s mouth to another; at that point, there was a collective “Yuck,” so they said   “L”let’s get the neanderthals at the next tribe over here to do this”. They did, and it was good. 
  3. Then G-d said, “you know, a good brisket would round out this first day”. ” The Jews said, “ What is a brisket”? G-d forgot that it had not been invented yet, so he said “go slaughter one of those stupid-looking cats I tried to make ( cows were a work in progress then), and let’s have a BBQ”. They did, and it was good. A bit dry for some but not bad. 
  4. After cooking the first challah and eating apples and honey, one of the “tribesman” said. ” you know   I am tired of hearing Maury tell us about his hunting exploits and seeing family tablets of their children”. Can we get some entertainment here? 
  5. Back then, there was not really much entertainment. The Jews didn’t find the “flaying” hour from the neighboring tribes to be to their taste, and instruments were not invented yet, so they thought long and hard and looked at their pet Rams. The Rams knew something was up, so they tried to run, so the Jews decided to take the horns off the rams cooked in previous BBQs. At first they took the two horns and hit them against each other, but that didn’t work. Then in a fit of frustration, one of the kids put it in their mouth and started screaming into it. We are not sure, but we think he was yelling at this sister to stop hitting him, but alas. His cries were, well, awful, but there was one Jew ( who we traced for hundreds of generations whose progeny became musical agents said, “wow, there is something here.”  So the first person to blow the shofar was this kid, and to tell you the truth, it was pretty bad. However, it eventually became pretty cool .
  6. So this was the first Rosh Hashanah meal. It has changed over the years. Kugel was added, chopped liver (a longer story), and it was good. 
  7. So Happy 5783


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  • John Azzopardi

    September 25, 2022 at 4:53 pm

    The only thing I could think of here that existed 5782 years ago was guilt. It never goes out of style and was probably invented […] Read MoreThe only thing I could think of here that existed 5782 years ago was guilt. It never goes out of style and was probably invented by Adam when he ate the forbidden fruit. Read Less

  • larrymlevine

    September 25, 2022 at 6:20 pm

    The difference between Italians and Jews. Jews have guilt. Italians are guilty.

    • Johnny
      to larrymlevine

      September 26, 2022 at 8:54 am

      The Romans were guilty It’s been almost 6000 years! What do you want reparations? Lol.

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